# Conversation and Fun > Just Conversation >  Favorite Jokes

## DragonLensmanWV

I'll start with an old one my dad really enjoyed.

Back in the medieval times there was a serf named Benny. Through no fault of his own, Benny was the lowliest serf in the kingdom. One day Benny was sitting near the gutter, head in hands feeling sorry for himself, when - Poof! Right next to him appeared a Fairy Godmother who told him, "Benny, we have been watching you for a long time. You are a very good person who just has had a lot of awful luck. So I'd like to reward you. I'll give you three wishes - on one condition. You can never again get either a shave or a haircut for the rest of your life."
 Benny thought it over for a minute, then decided it was a good deal, so he agreed. Poof! The Fairy Godmother disappeared, reminding him of his oath.
 So the first thing Benny wished for was a castle bigger than the King's. Poof! Right beside him appeared a resplendent castle. He then wished for money to fill the treasure vaults. Poof!The castle settled a bit further into the ground with all the weight of the treasure.
So Benny ran into his castle to explore and when he got to the topmost minaret, he spied the King's army getting ready for battle to rid the King of this interloper. So Benny used his last wish for an army big enough to defeat all around. Poof! The army appeared, and the next thing you know, Benny was the new King and ruler.
 True to his nature, Benny was a benevolent ruler, and his kingdom prospered like it never had before.
 Forty years later, Benny was walking along the street with his attendants behind him carrying his long beard and hair in a wheelbarrow. He passed many people who thanked him for his beneficence and as he passed by a barber shop he looked in to see people getting haircuts and shaves. Benny thinks that since the Fairy Grandmother was so old forty years ago, she must not be around anymore. So he gives up and goes on inside to get his hair cut and his beard shaved. As he was looking at himself in the mirror, admiring his older face he'd never seen, the mirror's surface rippled and the face of the Fairy Godmother appeared, looking ever so sad.
"Benny," She said. "We had such high hopes for you. And you had done SO well over these last forty years too. Now I'm going to have to punish you because you broke your promise." So she waves her magic wand and turned Benny into a magnificently painted six-foot tall decorative urn.

Which goes to prove the moral of the story:
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


You may groan now.:D

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## jcasowder

A duck walks in a bar, jumps onto the bar, and asks the bartender "Hey, got any grapes?"
The bartender looks at the duck and warily sayd "No".
The duck says "OK", hops down and leaves.

He comes back in the next day and asks the same question. The bartender says "No, you asked yesterday. We don't have any grapes here, and if you come in again and ask me the same question, I'll nail your feet to the bar!!!"
The duck says "OK and leaves.

Well, as you can guess, the duck came back the next day. When the bartender saw him, he got ******. But, he held it in, and waited for the duck to hop on the bar. The duck got up and asked the bartender "Hey, got any nails?"
"No", the bartenter replied, confused.

Then the duck said....... "Good, got any grapes?"



couldn't help it. so stupid it's funny!!!!!:p

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## Ory

I think you missed a line.  After the second time, the bartender says "No, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar"

Now the laughter may begin!:cheers:

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## Dave Nelson

Three Canadians are sitting in a bar in the United States. Some of the local boys are curious to know who the strangers are, so they send one of their own over to see.
"so where you boys from, anyway?" says the American.
"Edmonton, Alberta" says the first Canadian.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan,"  says the second.
"Flin-Flon, Manitoba," says the third.
The American goes back to his own table.
"Well? where are they from?" says the other Americans.
"Well, I don't know," says the first American, they don't speak a word of english."

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## DragonLensmanWV

Good ones, people!:cheers:


A man walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. He starts drinking and is starting to get pretty plowed. The guy next to him, also drunk, starts talking about how windy it is.
"I tell you - it's so windy up here that when the wind hits the sides of the buildings and goes up, the updraft is so strong that you can actually float in it!"
The first guy doesn't believe a word of it, so the second guy talks him into going up on the roof with him,
The second guy says, "Look, I'll show you!" So he goes over to the ledge, leans out a bit, then a bit more, then his feet leave the edge and sure enough, he's hanging there in the air. So he works his hands and arms a bit and glides back to the rooftop. "See!" he says. "It's really easy!"
 The first guy was really impressed by that so he goes over to the ledge, leans out a bit, leans out a bit more, then whoosh! He falls to his grisly death many floor below.
The second guy goes back down to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender says, "What? Another one?!!!?  You sure are a prick when you get drunk, Superman!"


<rimshot>

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## rinselberg

I wasn't exactly dyin' to jump in here, but seeing the other current topic Calmness in our lives... jogged my memory about the Irish-born comedian Dave Allen (1936-2005). I enjoyed the reruns on U.S. television of the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large" show.


_Irish-born comedian Dave Allen hoists his customary tumbler of whiskey as he spins another joke on the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large"._

And the joke that came to mind went more or less like this:

A poor Irish sod from one of the many wrong sides of the fence that are known in Dublin was looking for the secret of happiness. So he went all around the world and again, making no progress, until someone told him to climb one of the highest mountains in the Himalayas and seek out the cave of an unfathomably old and wise Tibetan monk. Finally, the hapless Irishman reaches this cave. He's about half-dead from the cold and the exertion of the climb. Summoning all of the life that he still has left in him, he puts the question to the mysterious old monk ...


> What's the secret of happiness?


to which the monk replies


> The secret of happiness is never to disagree, no matter what you are confronted with. Seek harmony with everyone and everything around you. Always maintain the utmost in amiableness and agreeability.


Outraged, the half-dead Dubliner gasps


> That's *not* the secret of happiness!


and the monk says very calmly and affably


> OK. So it's _not_ the secret of happiness ...



Of course, it was far better when Dave Allen told it on camera. He knew how to impersonate the characters.





Rinsel raises the question


> Are ya' plannin' to drink that beer, or write a freakin' *book* about it ..?


See Beer Of The Day, an off-forum blog dedicated to the celebration of beer and ale (good or otherwise) as an _Objet d'art_ ...

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## HarryChiling

Guy walks into a bar and sees a sighn "FREE BEER ALL NIGHT TO THE FIRST MAN TO MAKE MY DONKEY LAUGH", so he goes to the bartender and asks "all I have to do is make the donkey laugh".  The bartender says "yes, my donkey is through those doors".  The man comes out and the donkey is laughing so the bartender serves him all night.  The next day the man comes into the bar again and the sign now reads "FREE BEER ALL NIGHT TO THE FIRST PERSON TO MAKE MY DONKEY CRY".  The man knowing where the donkey is kept walks into the room and comes out 2 minutes later with the donkey crying.  He sits at the bar and orders his usual.  The bartender says "OK, buddy before you get another drop from my tap I want to know how you made my donkey laugh and cry".

The man says the first night, "I told your donkey my p*nis is bigger than yours", the second night the man says, "I proved it".

And I was that man.:D

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## Sean

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. 
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. 
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath". 
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" 
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

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## HarryChiling

> The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."


ROTFLMAO

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## Fezz

Bill and Hillary Clinton get into a pub without standing in the long line. 
They bring there pet duck with them and sit at the bar.
A few minutes go by and some guy runs up and grabs the ducks tail feathers, lifts it rear, sets it down and runs out.
A few minutes later, same thing happens. Some guy runs in, lifts the ducks tail feathers, drops it and bolts out the door.
One after another, these locals run in and do the same thing!


Finally, a business man at the other end of the bar leans over and asks one of the locals "What the heck is going on?"

The local takes a long draw of his mug of ale and replies....

My cousin Ernie is outside waiting in line and is taking bets because.....

"Rumor has it, theres a duck sitting at the bar with two A*SH*LES"




:cheers::shiner::cheers::shiner::cheers:

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## Johns

An Optician, and OD, and an MD walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?":D  :cry:  :D

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## DragonLensmanWV

Man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, Doctor! You gotta help me! I pass gas at least 100 times a day! The good news is, they're silent and they don't smell bad."
The doctor hands him a bottle of pills that says to take one a day for two weeks.
  The man returns two weeks later. "Doctor, Doctor! You gotta help me! I STILL pass gas at least 100 times a day! They're still silent, but now they smell AWFUL!"
  The doctor writes something on an Rx pad, holds it out so the mane can read it.
It says,
"We've cured your sinus problem, now we'll work on your hearing loss."

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## DragonLensmanWV

> An Optician, and OD, and an MD walk into a bar.
> 
> The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?":D  :D


Four blind men walk into a bar,
"Ow"
"Ow"
"Ow"
"Ow"

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## Sean

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" 

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!" :shiner:

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## HarryChiling

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

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## Fezz

Favorite Joke = My Paycheck!    :shiner::hammer::shiner:


Couldn't help myself. Let the groaning begin.

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## HarryChiling

Groan

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## Sean

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. 
But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said. 
"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."

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## DragonLensmanWV

Two morons went hunting and managed to bag a big buck. They were dragging it back to their truck by the hind legs and were having difficulty because the rack kept getting stuck in the underbrush. Another hunter watched them for a bit then said to them. "You know, you should drag that deer by the antlers instead of the back feet, they act as natural handles."
The morons slapped their foreheads in disgust and grabbed the antlers and off they went.
"This is working real good!" said one.
"Yeah, but look how far away from the truck we're getting."

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## Sean

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. 
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" 
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." 
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. 
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

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## Johns

Sean, Thanks!!  I get chapped lips all the time. (Well not for long...):cheers:

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## DragonLensmanWV

Two guys were digging a ditch while a third guy watched and supervised.
After awhile, one of the guys in the ditch says to the other, "Say, why are we digging and he's supervising?He should come and help us!" The other guy say,"I'll go and ask him!"
  So he goeas and asks the supervisor why he's not helping them dig. The supervisor says, "That's because I have intelligence."
  "Intelligence? What's that?" asked the digger.
So the supervisor walks over to a tree, puts his hand on the side of the tree and says, "Here, hit my hand as hard as you can." The digger winds up and smashes a mighty blow, but the supervisor quickly removes his hand and the digger smashes his hand against the tree.

"Oh, I see now - that's intelligence." says the digger. And he goes back into the ditch and his fellow worker asks him, " Did you find out what he's doing up there?" The digger says, "Because he's got intelligence!"
  "Intelligence? What's that?"
So the digger gets a sly grin on his face, puts his hand in front of his face and says, "Here, hit my hand as hard as you can."

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## nsg

you forgot    'pick up that shovel and hit my hand "   great joke

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## Sean

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: 
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" 
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?" :shiner:

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## Jedi

> On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: 
> "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" 
> One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?" :shiner:


That's cheaper than a date.:D

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## optical24/7

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got 
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! 
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves 
breakfast until 11:30. 


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, 
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@$t@rd!" 
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" 


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, 
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

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## optical24/7

A farmer buys a new rooster to breed with his hens. The young rooster is a stud and immediately gets out to work. He spends the entire day reproducing with every single chicken on the farm and gets so into it he ends up doing some of the ducks too. The farmed is surprised to see such a robust and active rooster. Then the next day the rooster is laying flat on the ground, motionless, and the farmer goes "Poor feller's tiny heart couldn't handle all that action in one day." Then the rooster opens one eye and says to the farmer "Hush, I'm trying to lure in the vultures..."

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## optical24/7

How do actors do crying scenes?

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## becc971

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN


I just foiled your plan.


as a former math tutor i found that WAYYYY too funny when i first saw it :)

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## optical24/7

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....


  What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"


  Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."


  Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.



  A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

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## optical24/7

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he  was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went  back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his  head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you  sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one  answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back  outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like  to have to do what I dun in Texas!" 

Some of the locals shifted  restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his  horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of  town. 

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner,  before you go... what happened in Texas?" 

The cowboy turned back and  said, "I had to walk home."

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## Fezz

Why don't blind people sky dive?


Its scares the hell out of the dog..

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## Fezz

Speaking of dogs........


What do you call a dog with no legs? 




Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway!

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## Johns

> Speaking of dogs........
> 
> 
> What do you call a dog with no legs?


When I lived in Korea, they called it dinner!

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## Johns

How about a toast to the awesome guy they started this thread?  

We love (and miss) you Mark!

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## Wes

> Speaking of dogs........
> 
> 
> What do you call a dog with no legs? 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway!


And where do you find him?  Right where you left him!

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## Wes

> Speaking of dogs........
> 
> 
> What do you call a dog with no legs? 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway!


And what can you do with him?  Take him for a drag!

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## Wes

> When I lived in Korea, they called it dinner!


When I lived there, they called it chicken-on-a-stick or yaki-mandu.

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## Johns

> When I lived there, they called it chicken-on-a-stick or yaki-mandu.


I thought yaki-mandu (we called it "yucky-mandu) was the deep fried meats and vegetable the street vendors sold after the bars closed.  We called the dog w/no legs Gaygogi.

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## vcom

optom.jpg

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## kennyjack

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them.  The first nun has a stroke.  The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

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## optical24/7

Johns makes a sparkler...( Check out his hair before and after)

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## Johns

*"This brand requires the professionalism of ECPs,” said Carrier. Coastal will nonetheless be able to offer Transitions products.*"

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## waynegilpin

Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?" The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pizzer. I pizz on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pizzed in the middle of my owner's bed. 

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" 

"Gonna cut my nutz off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." 

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the he77 of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." 

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. 

"Looks like I'm losing my nutz too", the dejected Black Lab said. 

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" 

"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away". 

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nutz off for you too, huh?" The Yellow Lab replied, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

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## vcom

A photon checks in to a hotel.

Receptionist asks, "Do you have any luggage we can bring to your room?"

Photon replies, "No.  I'm traveling light."

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## Wes

A CONSIDERATE LAWYER

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

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## Sean

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"  

 "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."  

 "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.  

 While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."  

 As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."  

 Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

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## Sean

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. 

 So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." 

 "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. 

 "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING 

 Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.   The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." 

 So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY 

 That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"  The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. 

 The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"  

 "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. 

 The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's  house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: 

 NUDIST  COLONY 

 GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

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## crixussteave

1.How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

2, If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

3.What was the best thing before sliced bread?

4.How is it possible to have a civil war?

5. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

6.If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is this considered a hostage situation?

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## optical24/7

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 175 in about 4 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said "Dust." 

And then the fight started. 




My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible, I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied. "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

And then the fight started. 



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. However I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, fishing..... Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.... 

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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## optical24/7

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to a corner store with $1 and Id come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and six eggs. You cant do that now a days.




.....Too many security cameras

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## Sean

​A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

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## Robert Martellaro

Long coat clown.

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## optical24/7

> Long coat clown.


Hey! I know that doctor!!

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## Robert Martellaro

> Hey! I know that doctor!!


I know that clown!!!

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## jackraider

Funny stuff


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CAbFDt3Evs

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## Robert Martellaro

Two muffins are baking in an oven. First muffin turns to the second and says "Man, sure is hot in here eh?" The second muffin says, "Holy schit! A talking muffin!"

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## optical24/7

I love that one Robert, it reminds me of this one...

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 
'And what do you think the man said?' 
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ..'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!'

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## dr_intrepid

A cowboy walked into a bar... and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"


The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."


"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"


"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.


"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.


"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."


"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" 



...




"Rustling," said the bartender.

 :Giggle:

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## Robert Martellaro

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 

'Is it mine?'

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## Robert Martellaro

Ha!

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## ThePinkRanger

Guess who I saw today?


Everyone I looked at.

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## Quince

I came up with a joke that really fleshes out my nerdism- it's one only Doctor Who fans in optics will understand:



What did the Doctor say to the lens that was too thick?

REGENERATE!!

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## optical24/7

They recently held the Edinburgh Fringe Festival over in the UK. They judge the funniest jokes of the year (in their opinion..) here are a few ( Keep in mind, British humor can be a bit different than the states) ...


6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated." -- Tiff Stevenson

5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use.  Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second." -- Will Duggan

4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit." -- Mark Smith  

3. "I've been happily married for four years -- out of a total of 10." -- Mark Watson

2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one..." -- Stuart Mitchell

1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card.  He's a man after my own heart." -- Masai Graham

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## Quince

Oh very good! We watch a lot of BBC in my house. Black Books is one of my favorite shows! We're also looking forward to whatever the guys from Top Gear are working on. Also I can't not mention The Catherine Tate Show, because her show might not be the funniest, but she is an idol of mine  :Wub:

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## Robert Martellaro

Three-legged dog walks into a saloon, says, "I'm lookin' fer the low-down varmint that shot my paw."

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## optical24/7

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution. 
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?" 
The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?" 
"Um, no," mumbled the director. 
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer an appology. 
"Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising inindignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?" 
The humiliated director said simply,"I had no idea." 
"So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to you?"

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## Richie

Why do you never see hippopotamus hiding in trees?



Because they are really good at it.

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## optical24/7

Just to prove we can take a joke down here......

A Texas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says 
to the driver, "Got any ID?" 
The driver says, "Bout what?" 
******* 
Two Texans are walking toward each other and one is carrying a sack. 
One says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, whatcha got in the bag?" 
"Jes, some chickens." 
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" 
"Shoot, if you guesses right I'll give ya both of 'em." 
"Ummmmmm....five?" 
******* 
A Texan came home and found his house on fire. 
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is on fahr." 
"OK," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?" 
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have them big red trucks?" 
******* 
Why do folks in Texas go to the movies in groups of 18 or more? 
Because they heard that 17 and under aren't admitted. 
******* 
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. 
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. 
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. 
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." 
The operator asked. "Can you spell that for me?" 
After a long pause Bubba said. "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" 
******* 
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Texas to 32? 
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools. 
******* 
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Texas? 
Documentaries. 
******* 

Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Texas State Lottery? 
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. 
******* 


A new law was recently passed in Texas so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. 


******* 
What do a divorce in Texas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? 
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a house trailer. 
*******

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## billbill

*I love this one.*

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

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## optical24/7

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When youre seventy...............who cares?




I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When youre seventy...............who cares?




I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When youre seventy...............who cares?

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## Robert Martellaro



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## Robert Martellaro

OSu3CrU.jpg

https://imgur.com/OSu3CrU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIV4poUZAQo

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## rdcoach5

The ice fisherman had just started cutting a hole in the ice when a booming voice sounded, " THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!" After looking all around and seeing no one the fisherman again started cutting his hole and the voice again boomed " THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!". Five minutes passed until the ice fisherman became convinced that he had heard an echo or some other naturally explained phenomena. He again started to cut his hole in the ice when the voice boomed " GET OFF THE ICE RINK !! "

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## Robert Martellaro

Failed ophthalmic pick-up line

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## optical24/7

I was at the bar Sunday, watching the Super Bowl when I heard a British accent. It was a couple of ladies talking, so I asked them, "Are you gals from Britain?"

One of them said, " It's Wales!"

SO I said, " Ok, are you whales from Britain?"



A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The drivers says, " Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The lady storms off to the back of the bus. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, " That bus driver just insulted me!".  The man says, "You should go and give him a good telling off. I'll hold your monkey for you"...


I'm on a whiskey diet....I've lost 3 days already!


My mother in law fell down a wishing well. I never knew they really work...

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## AngeHamm

A guy walks into the store and slams a fistfull of cash on the counter. "I want to buy a guitar!" he exclaims. "I'm tired of the guitarist getting all the glory, all the attention, and all the girls. This is bullcrap. I'm sick of being overlooked and taken for granted. I want to buy a guitar."

The man behind the counter calmly replies, "You're a drummer, right?"

The guy blinks and says, "Yeah! How did you know?"

"This is a liquor store, man."

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## Robert Martellaro

> I'm on a whiskey diet....I've lost 3 days already!


We used to take notes during those late night elbow bending sessions just for that reason!

*******************************

It was so cold last week that I saw the mayor walking down the street with her hands in her own pockets.

*******************************
Economics 101

PREMISE: You have two cows.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
... The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

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## Robert Martellaro

*Retro interior trim option now available for the 2019 Honda Passport.
*

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## Robert Martellaro

Two dyslexics are in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"

The other replies, "I can't even smell my own name."

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## Robert Martellaro

Jokes about eyes are awesome. The cornea, the better...

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## optical24/7

> Jokes about eyes are awesome. The cornea, the better...


OMG, that's really a bad joke!...Here's some more!

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?  She couldn't control her pupils.

Why did the phone where glasses? It had lost all it's contacts.

What did the right eye say to the left eye?  "Between you and me, there's something that smells.."

How many eye doctors does it take to change a light bulb?  "1 or 2?"

What's it called when you poke your eye putting on safety glasses? Eye-rony.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? "Fishually impaired".

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## Robert Martellaro

> OMG, that's really a bad joke!


Good groaners.

Daughter: I want a Barbie and a GI Joe for my birthday.
Mother: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?
Daughter: No, she comes with GI Joe. She fakes it with Ken.

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## Steve Machol

Did you hear about the Amish woman who was shunned?  Too Mennonite.

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## idispense

Man goes to a job fair in Toronto, at the optical booth he explores the possibility of becoming an optician. The man asks the regulator manning the booth, “What  job security is there if I become an Optician ? The regulator  replies: “ To sell glasses to people in Ontario you have to be an Optician and licensed”

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## Robert Martellaro

*A Villain Who Unintentionally Always Does Helpful Things*

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## Robert Martellaro

https://thechicagogenius.com/chicago...ers-over-alley

True story, somewhat.

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## Robert Martellaro

Two ducks are walking down the road. One of the ducks says "quack". The other duck says: "OMG, I was going to say the same thing!"

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## Ethan1989

> A duck walks in a bar, jumps onto the bar, and asks the bartender "Hey, got any grapes?"
> The bartender looks at the duck and warily sayd "No".
> The duck says "OK", hops down and leaves.
> 
> He comes back in the next day and asks the same question. The bartender says "No, you asked yesterday. We don't have any grapes here, and if you come in again and ask me the same question, I'll nail your feet to the bar!!!"
> The duck says "OK and leaves.
> 
> Well, as you can guess, the duck came back the next day. When the bartender saw him, he got ******. But, he held it in, and waited for the duck to hop on the bar. The duck got up and asked the bartender "Hey, got any nails?"
> "No", the bartenter replied, confused.
> ...


hahahahaha the duck is intelligent he ensure that bartender does not have any nails.

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## Ethan1989

> *Retro interior trim option now available for the 2019 Honda Passport.
> *


That's why I love HONDA rather than any other brand. hahahahahaha

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## Robert Martellaro

_Why is Santa so Jolly?_

He knows where all of the naughty girls live.

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## Robert Martellaro

What's invisible and smells like carrots?









_Bunny farts._

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## optical24/7

> What's invisible and smells like carrots?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Finally!! A name for the aromatic effect shortly after having my daily Vitameatavegamin smoothie! Thanks!

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## Robert Martellaro

> Finally!! A name for the aromatic effect shortly after having my daily Vitameatavegamin smoothie! Thanks!


We received a few extras when we saw the movie at Oriental Theater. No bunny farts here, let me tell you!

Robert

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## optical24/7

Who is Jack Schitt? 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack
Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. 

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. 

Sincerely, 
Crock O. Schitt

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## Robert Martellaro

*Rolling Stones Shreds 2009*

StSanders (Santeri Ojala) scores a Stones vid with his own music and lyrics.




"Charlie...Help!"

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## Robert Martellaro

Alternative history opticianry.

----------


## waynegilpin

So I had a long career as a Little O.  I made a boat-load of money and got respect from everyone.  Just like the Big O, and the Middle O.  :Bounce:  :Bounce: 

I'll be here all week folks.  Try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitress.

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## optical24/7

Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.

Daffy turns to Elmer and says, “ Hey, is this whiskey?”

Elmer said, “ Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

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## Heavy Glare

lol xd

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