# Conversation and Fun > Just Conversation >  OptiBoard Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Entries

## Steve Machol

As per the contest rules posted here, please post your contest entries as replies to this thread.  Please only post entries in this thread.  There's a separate thread for discussions about the contest and entries.

May the worst writer win!  

:D

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## optispares

sitting with some friends in a dark dank pub on the windswept 
yorkshire moors sampling some of the local ale when the door blew
open and in walked a rather plain looking girl oh well back to the beer
however after recharging our GLASSES several more times she appeared 
much better looking in fact one of the best TRANSITIONS I have ever 
 seen.

[Entry #1]

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## harry a saake

While in my late fifties, i was filing a 33 degree retoscoptic tilt on a temple, whenst suddenly a ghostly image reflected off the concave surface of the lens being none other then Ralph Drew and Robert Shanbaum and i realized through all my myopic years that Steve machol had indeed been reincarnated, a transition of hyperopic proportions.

[Entry #2]

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## sarahr

:Eek:  

Sinister yowling whirlwinds threw tumbleweed across the street, confirming the worst fears of the staff in " Local Bifocal" that the moment was approaching when the tweed skirt, the brogues, the spiral bound note pad, and the tortuously chained tortoiseshell half eyes were about to enter, offering a fiendish wink with an over-examined, secret service trained,  presbyopic eye and confirming that the time had come to greet the ... MYSTERY SHOPPER. :Rolleyes: 

[Entry #3]

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## Mark Brezvai

Hearts stopped as the piercing scream of the optometrist broke out over the shrieking wheels of the generator left unattended as the blood soaked body of the optician lay among the detritus of the shattered lenses while the smoking gun was clutched in the hand of the irate patient whose act of insanity was caused by the opticians callus indifference to Prentice's Rule.

[Entry #4]

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## ioconnell

As I gaze through my VIEWING MECHANISMS at my virgin Nylon stockings perched amongst squalor on longboat in China i come to the hypothesis that the logo on me stockings was indecipherable, fulimnating LIVE EYEWEAR for shoddy manufacture of their aparelle, but, on in-depth analysis i see that everything is in order turning then to blame my licentious and profiligate static spectacles for their sporadic flare ups impeding sharper viewing

[Entry #5]

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## Night Train

In the beginning, Todd hated Kevin Pennyworth for Pennyworth's napiformed (turnip-shaped) wallaby was a heartless lover and a superfluous creep who commandeered Todd's lovely cursorial (adapted for running) daughters.

[Entry #6]

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## Joann Raytar

Michael stood there, his cloths soaking wet and his mind frozen in time, on this dreary, mid-November afternoon silently cursing the new anti-reflective coated eyeglass lenses he had purchased the day before because the rain sheeting off would not hide the tears that were forming behind them as he watched Deborah walk away across the park never to be a part of his life again.

[Entry #7]

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## Maria

The liberal nervously accessed the Optiboard, her heart beating like one of those kettle drums in an orchestra conducted by a manic-depressive reaching a high in his/her mental cycle, for she knew, somewhere along the cables and ISDN routers lay Darris Chambless, waiting like a malevolent spider to look at her with eight beady eyes, dribble down the front of her Optiboard t-shirt, and bite her on the nose.

[Entry #8]

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## Live Eyewear

Percival cursed the day he volunteered himself to attend the six hour Sunwear Selling Solutions Seminar hosted by the somewhat diffident unshaven speck of a man they called the "Sun Guru', but continued to focus on the unrelenting monologue, and discovered his Tibetan meditation studies allowed him to manipulate Gurus droning pulse to block the hunger pains that urged him to eat the crotch out of a low flying duck.

[Entry #9]

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## Pete Hanlin

Golden shafts of sunlight slanted through the windows overlooking the monastary, and Penelope's breaths began to come in sudden gasps, her fists clenched into tight balls, and she felt a sudden thrill as every cell of her young, athletic body came alive in a rhapsody of symphonic bliss as she felt his touch while he artfully brought her moment by moment towards a total state of emmetropic bliss- "yes, Yes, YESSSSS," she cried, "these glasses are simply wonderful... you've made me so happy!"

[Entry #10]

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## Mark Brezvai

Emerging squinting from the white light the egotistical ophthalmologist was refused entry to heaven and assigned to spend eternity in hell on his knees pleading forgiveness from his patient's for presuming to impove upon the creator's work by performing flap and zap refractive surgery upon their myopic, astigmatic, and hyperopic eyes thereby denying them access to heaven because they could not tolerate the atmospheric pressure on their ascent towards heaven.

[Entry #11]

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## MVEYES

He awoke that morning in an unknown position grabbing his glasses and feeling unsteady only remembering the terrible eye exam he had been to the day before but something was amiss- his new glasses still had beer in them and he was feeling agony under his lids when he thought about the bottle caps he mistakenly put in thinking they were wildeyes contacts he had purchased from the beauty shop.

[Entry #12]



:D Jerry

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## Emmet Ropia

It was the best acuity, it was the worst acuity, it was the vision of emmetropia, it was the vision of ametropia, it was the eyesight of myopia, it was the eyesight of hyperopia, it was comitant left esophoria, it was incomitant right exotropia, here were lenses to focus light, these were the eyeglasses from heaven, there were lenses of darkness, those were the spectacles going direct the other way.

[Entry #13]

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## MVEYES

where the lights flashing had come from but he knew that the air was full of mystery when all of a sudden the voice bellowed and the party atmosphere surrounded him with red and green, the colors of question and hesitation in the grip of his response which would he choose creatively meaning to please or gaining recognition from such an otrageously clever remark; the ophthalmologist winced.

[Entry #14]





:D Jerry

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## SuziBlueEyes

Chimes, heralded the entrance of Mrs. Spencer sporting a turquoise polyester jumpsuit, her youngest had toxic green spewing from her nose onto the pale landscape of her face and her twin boys who wore terry cloth  superhero capes menacing the receptionist with wiffleball bat swashbuckling, knowing it was Back to School Eye Exam Time as Mrs. Spencer triumphantly wielded coupons carefully extracted from the local newspaper circular.

[Entry #15]

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## Night Train

As he studied his reflection, mesmerized by the sclera, the cornea, the thin covering of the conjunctiva, the lens, pupil and iris and how the whole shootin works sat in the two round openings of his skull, it occurred to him that the jelly-like vitreous humor was not humorous at all.

[Entry #16]

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## Night Train

Joe's eyes opened slowly, awakening from a deep REM sleep wherein he dreamt about Ma and PA and times that never were and always was; and his life came into focus as if he had just fitted his mind's eye with a pair of poly atoric lenses, for he realized he would always be an optician's assistant first and a husband second, and he would never be very good at either.

[Entry #17]

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## Pete Hanlin

_Squeagh squep_, the aging wiper blades made their journey across the spattered windshield as he pondered why delay wipers are always too fast or too slow; _squeagh squep_, furthermore why had she left, according to his calculations, exactly 495,319 swipes of his _squeagh squep_ wipers ago, and listening to the second track of "Downward Spiral" he wondered if the blur was from his glasses or those cursed _squeagh squep_ wipers?

[Entry #18]

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## John R

The smooth eyed gent slipped into the snug after seeing the polished lady sat at the bar, hoping to find a night of torid passion.

[Entry #19]

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## MVEYES

Why would she do that when knowingly the authority lacked confidence in that course of action beguilling her mate she pondered the choice and refused to give in to the opinion of accurate measure in taste and institutional standards letting the fate of fashion and function control only those who dared be civil in the sense that fashion could weild the importance of her decision in selecting eyecatching flamboyant eyewear.


:D

[Entry #20]

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## JennyP

Every time she shopped at her optician's, she saw something else that she wanted, but unless she could secure better credit, she would never be able to qualify for the same as cash plan being advertised to entice multiple purchases, and her young frame stylist was fearful that yet another afternoon could be wasted showing dozens of frames to the uninsured, cash poor,  though fashion conscious, indecisive customer.

[Entry #21]

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## shanbaum

The wind, the rain, the streetlights powerless against the inky blackness; the ragged woman, the child, the invisible ones in the shadows; the grime, the stench, the vermin that ridicule sleep; the cries, the tears,  the wound that does not heal; the hunger, the pain, the dread of eternal darkness - none of this mattered to little Darris as he eyed the brightly wrapped presents beneath the glimmering Christmas tree.

[Entry #22]

(Thanks to Rick Tinson for helping to diminish the quality of this entry).

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## John R

If only Maria had thought for one moment that a year in america was going to have serious ramifications for her accent and her relationship with "Sid Saver", she very probably would not be going. But the concept hasen't crossed her mind and so she is trading Bury for florida on a opticians exchange programme.

[Entry #23]

( A big thanks to her indoors for inspiring  this rubbish)

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## rlaurinojr

Loud chiming ricocheting fragments saturated in fog droned in my head as the optical store I was moments ago an occupant of, plummeted causing pulsating panic as I rushed to clean my spectacles remembering that they were still in the lab where an antiquated lens generator imploded and here I was in the suns refractionous glow intensified by my coke bottle goggles that were delivered courtesy of my scratch-free warranty. :hammer:

[Entry #24]

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## Bob Franklin

"Haar Haar Billy" sayeth the ship's one eyed optometrist as he leered into the one eyed  ship's pilot's good eye,  who was just recently demoted to latrine lieutenant 3rd class after steering   the good ship "Lord Thundering Breeze"  into  London's only operational 40 foot diameter sewage outlet...tightly wedging it to the consternation of not only the ship's company, but to the entire blessed city!

[Entry #25]

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## Pete Hanlin

He stared at the bloody pd stick and thought how it always came back to this, how the demons wouldn't let him go, how the urge to plunge the edge of his innocent-looking measuring device into human flesh would demand his subservience every time a patient began to slowly cover one eye with the exclamation _"I can see a liiiiittle better out of this eye than..."_- those were always the last sounds from their pathetic little fountains of misery...

[Entry #26]

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