# Optical Forums > General Optics and Eyecare Discussion Forum >  Optical jokes

## Personalizedoptics

Does anybody have any good "optical jokes"?

----------


## Spexvet

Did you hear the one about the optician who fell into the lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.:p

----------


## Personalizedoptics

You know you've been an optician too long if......

You can act genuinely conserned when a patient tells that their plastic lenses are scratched......




> Did you hear the one about the optician who fell into the lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.:p

----------


## shanbaum

Forgive me if you've heard this one (I may have told it before)...

Sol had lived a long life, which was drawing to its end. As his family surrounded him on his deathbed, he asked to see his optometrist.

"Optometrist?" they asked. "Why in the world do you want to see your optometrist?"

"Just get him for me."

So they go get Dr. Kaplan, who, on seeing Sol about to depart this life, asked, "Sol, it pains me to see you like this. What can I possibly do for you?"

Sol opened his eyes slightly and said, "Doc, before I go, there's one thing I have to know. Which one _was_ clearer - A or B?"

----------


## Chris Ryser

*Seeing Spots* 

*Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. 

Optician: Didn't the new glasses help?* 

*Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer*

----------


## Chris Ryser

*Progressive Lenses*

*A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"* 

*"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"* 

*"Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."*

----------


## Chris Ryser

*Need glasses* 

*Optician: You need glasses. 

Patient: But I'm wearing glasses. 

Optician: Then I need glasses. 

**
*

----------


## Chris Ryser

*Poor eye sight**
A young women visited her optometrist complaining of failing eyesight. The optician sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

optometrist : "Can you read the bottom line?"

Girl: "No."

optometrist : "Can you read the center line?"

Girl: "No."

optometrist : "Can you read the large top line?"

Girl: "No."

optometrist (getting frustrated): "Can you even see the chart?"

Girl: "No."

The optometrist is clearly frustrated and whips his ********* out of his pants.

optometrist : "Can you see this?"

Girl: "Of course!"

optometrist : "Well, there's your problem -- you're ****-eyed!"


:bbg: :bbg: 



*

----------


## For-Life

I did have a chuckle the other day when a customer said "how much do I owe you for the screw?"  It is an old joke, but I almost said $500.

----------


## Chris Ryser

*Czech at the opticians*
*
A Czech goes to the optician who shows him a card with the letters 

C Z W X N Q S T A C Z 

"Can you read this?" the optician asks. 

"Read it?" the Czech replies, "I even know the guy." 


:D :D 



*

----------


## Joann Raytar

http://www.terminalbraindrain.com/ar...atslippers.php

Not in English
http://extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic471.htm

----------


## Ed_Optician

Lady comes into an optician's shop and announces that she has a screw loose

Optician tells her there are 3 competant practicioners in that realm around the corner

Ed

----------


## Ed_Optician

An older gentleman walks into an opticians shop and says that he needs a screw

THe optician on duty tells hem that the Whoopee Parlor is three blocks down the street

Ed

----------


## chip anderson

I know I am going to get into trouble with this but...

One day I was caught in traffic and late to see my first patient for a contact lens check-up with a slit-lamp.
A young woman was already impatiently in the exam chair.  Usually I politely ask the patient to uncross thier legs (Arm slit-lamp is on will hit the knee most uncomfortably with legs crossed). 
However on this occasion I was quite late and not thinking.  I said: "Please uncross your legs so I can look at you with the microscope."
The young lady was appearently somewhat of a swinger and replied: "I've had a lot of men ask me to do that, but you're the first one who wanted to look at it with a microscope first."

Chip:cheers:

----------


## Uncle Fester

Patients come in all the time embarrased that they sat on their glasses. After readjusting them I bring them out and tell them not to do it again. "Besides" I'll say. "It's a waste of time. Didn't your mother teach you that hindsight is 20/20" :bbg: 

Also if they step on them I'll say they now have "sole".

A comedienne told one on TV a few years ago that I never forgot;

Dated an Optometrist once but I had to break it off. Whenever we were making love he had to keep asking "Which is better? This? or this?" ;)

----------


## findtheneedle

Man walks into an opticians with a shoe box. The lady behind the counter asks if she can help him. He opens the box to reveal a 12 inch long turd.
"You should see a doctor, this is an opticians !"
"Yes, but every time I do one of these, my eyes water" 






Simon

www.findtheneedle.co.uk

----------


## edKENdance

*findtheneedle

* That is farking horrible!  Almost as bad as taking a glance when you're measuring a pd.

nudge nudge wink wink, know what I mean?

:cheers:

----------


## Optical_1

Are there any other good optical jokes out there?

----------


## Bill Mahnke

Ive always liked the sign that announces:

*Eyes Examined While You Wait!*

----------


## curlyclaz

What do you call a fish with no eyes ? a fsh !

----------


## k12311997

> Are there any other good optical jokes out there?


are there any "other"? are there any period?

----------


## Fezz

*MY PAYCHECK   ;^)*

Fezz
*:cheers:*

----------


## FVCCHRIS

> *MY PAYCHECK ;^)*
> 
> Fezz
> *:cheers:*


That's the funniest by far. Fezz, is it delivered to you by a man with a shoe box??:D Chris..

----------


## bourdie1979

> Does anybody have any good "optical jokes"?


 
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, 'I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.'

The receptionist asks, 'Have you ever seen a doctor?' and the man replies, 'No, just spots.'

----------


## bourdie1979

> Patients come in all the time embarrased that they sat on their glasses. After readjusting them I bring them out and tell them not to do it again. "Besides" I'll say. "It's a waste of time. Didn't your mother teach you that hindsight is 20/20" :bbg: 
> 
> Also if they step on them I'll say they now have "sole".
> 
> A comedienne told one on TV a few years ago that I never forgot;
> 
> Dated an Optometrist once but I had to break it off. Whenever we were making love he had to keep asking "Which is better? This? or this?" ;)


 
LOL! very nice.

----------


## DragonLensmanWV

Woman goes to the doctor and complains, "Every time I drink tea I get a pain in my eye. Is it cancer?"
Doctor says,"Take the teaspoon out first."

----------


## rbaker

Doctor: You have glaucoma.

Patient: Can I get a second opinion?

Doctor: OK. You're also ugly.

----------


## DC Optix

A man of asian descent goes for his regular eye exam and the doctor tells him that he has a cataract.  The man keeps arguing that it is impossible for him to have a cataract.  Frustrated, the doctor asks the man why in the world he thinks that it is impossible for him to have a cataract.  The man replies, "Because, Doc, I drive a rincoln!"

----------


## WFruit

You know you've been an Optician too long if....

You can talk about a substance like "face cheese" while eating fondue and not get sick.

You can plunge a jeweler's screwdriver 2 inches into your hand and not utter a foul word.

An attractive person says "I need a screw." and you don't go running for a cold shower.

A patient tells you their life story (including the part about their uncle, the disease, and the farm animals) and you can act interested.

You have ever fantasized about shoving your hand down a patient's throat and ripping out their still beating heart because they complained about a sore behind their ear.

You can sing the benefits of progressive lenses to the tune of "Louie Louie."

You can tell the brand of cigarette a patient smokes by the smell of their glasses.

You can act genuinely concerned when a patient tells you their plastic lenses are scratched.

You heat a pair of temple just beyond the melting point and give them to a patient to try on before they cool.

You have ever sold a patient a pair of A/R coated, progressive, photogrey lenses in a Barracuda swim goggle just because you could.

You tell a paitent that as of the first of the year, Serengeti Drivers wil be mandatory for driving a car.

You have ever removed someone's glasses at the grocery store, cleaned and aligned them, and given them back.

The only information you can give the police after you have been mugged is that he was wearing a Charmant 4228 in a 56 eye.

Someone askes if you sell "Blue Blockers" and you shove the entire dispensing table down their throat while screaming "NO!"

You own more than 17 pairs of glasses with your current prescription in them.


Yes, some of these are very old, but still funny.

----------


## Striderswife

WFruit, thank you so much for posting this. I got this in an email almost 10 years ago, and have been wanting it again lately. I haven't gotten around to asking if anyone here had read it, or had a copy of it to post (or even email to me). But I think about it every time I adjust glasses that smell like ciggarettes. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! :D

----------


## WFruit

> WFruit, thank you so much for posting this. I got this in an email almost 10 years ago, and have been wanting it again lately. I haven't gotten around to asking if anyone here had read it, or had a copy of it to post (or even email to me). But I think about it every time I adjust glasses that smell like ciggarettes. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! :D


I got it about that long ago when I was in school in Virginia for my license. Our instructor my 2nd year passed it out to the class. I suppose I should have "modernized" it with some more current frame styles, and substituted "Drivewear lenses" for "Serengetti Drivers," but I figured some of the old timers here would appreciate it being "Old School." What bothers me most is that I've had a good number of the things on that list actually happen to me..... 

I've had some patients says some "interesting" things to me over the years:

A lady once complained to me that her "nose pads smelled funny."

Another lady refused to try on metal frames since they "disrupted the flow of her chi." When she asked what she should clean her lenses with, I told her that "they must be cleansed with fresh dew harvested in the dawn light of the equinox, for only this pure water could wash away the impurities of the world around her." She and her friend immediately begain planning a trip to the Appalachian mountains for that March....

Speaking of dirty.... I once removed the eyewire screw from a lady's glasses. However, the foundation caked on them had to be chipped away first before I could put the new lenses in.....

Recently I was in our retail store when a gentleman came in. Perfectly normal looking. Asked about some frame styles, and then proceeded to tell us that his lenses were scratched because the television station downtown had shot lasers at him, causing him to throw up his arms and knock his glasses off. The conspiracy went on from there, blaming, among others, the Kremlin, CBS news, deer (yes, these animals were also after him), and Elmo (yes, the muppet kept "laughing at him"). Yes, when you think about it, it really is sad, and the man definitely needs help. But at the time, it was impossible not to fall over laughing as soon as he left.

Meanest funny (in a sick way) thing I've ever done: A lens fell out of the lens holder into the tint pot.  I told the new lab tech that she could just reach in and pull it out.  At least I made her put a glove on first....

The worst was when I worked for LC. A VERY attractive co-worker came back in to the lab and said that she "needed lubrication" for a "stiff temple screw."  :Eek: 

Seriously, how does a guy respond to that and keep his job?

----------


## Striderswife

I had some frames yesterday that I couldn't tell if the nosepads were snap-on or screw-in. Yuck. :p

----------


## BMH

> The only information you can give the police after you have been mugged is that he was wearing a Charmant 4228 in a 56 eye.


:bbg: My favorite!:bbg:

:cheers::cheers::cheers:

----------


## zspook1

What device does an optician use to measure "How full of **** their customer is?"

A pooplometer.

----------


## FVCCHRIS

Why do penguins never go to the Optometrist?  They have perfect Ice Sight!!

----------


## THE MEB

Hmm, thought you were going to say epnguins never went to an Optometrist because their family and friends have always told them that should always go to an MD(Opthamologist) to get their eyes tested.

----------


## sandeepgoodbole

Customer = I need Glasses.  Me = I knew . U entered here thru the Window !

----------


## kcangelo1

This one was in the paper not to long ago.

Irate customer sitting across a desk from the Optometrist in his office.

Caption......

Mrs. Smith, If I give you back your money, let you keep the glasses, and fire the optician will that make you happy?

----------


## EyeFitWell

Strangest patients:

I once had an OCD patient pace back and forth and fret that I was touching the lenses while replacing a nosepad.  Unfortunately, the nosepad screw previously installed was too small and wouldn't back out from turning the screw, I had to push at it from the back also, so it was a little more complicated than a 10 second nosepad swap.  It took me a minute to realize he was really OCD and feel bad for him, but before that it was (internally) hilarious!

I had a patient ask me to wash my hands with unscented soap, then rubbing alcohol, and wear gloves to assist them.  Every frame had to be wiped down with rubbing alcohol prior to her putting them on.  She also found reason to mention on several occasions that her toddler had a rash in his "tender area."

I had a patient corner me and talk at me for an hour straight (we were slow, she was the only person in the place) in tears about how her dogs had just died.  She went on and on about how the dogs were more like people to her, etc.  She was nearly suicidal about the whole thing, kept repeating that she doesn't know how to live without her dogs.

----------


## Johns

> I had a patient corner me and talk at me for an hour straight (we were slow, she was the only person in the place) in tears about how her dogs had just died.  She went on and on about how the dogs were more like people to her, etc.  She was nearly suicidal about the whole thing, kept repeating that she doesn't know how to live without her dogs.


Man...that really ruff!







Ruff!




Ruff!!


Ruff!!!


Ruff!!!!

----------


## FVCCHRIS

> Strangest patients:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 			
> 				I once had an OCD patient pace back and forth and fret that I was touching the lenses while replacing a nosepad. Unfortunately, the nosepad screw previously installed was too small and wouldn't back out from turning the screw, I had to push at it from the back also, so it was a little more complicated than a 10 second nosepad swap. It took me a minute to realize he was really OCD and feel bad for him, but before that it was (internally) hilarious!
> 			
> ...


Keep a polaroid of some road kill in the drawer nearby. Use it as needed.

----------


## obxeyeguy

98% of Americans say 'Oh s##t!! before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from West Virginia, they say 'hold my beer and watch this!!'

----------


## obxeyeguy

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accomodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. 


I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Cr#p, my dog is a Democrat..!!

----------


## k12311997

> 98% of Americans say 'Oh s##t!! before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
> 
> The other 2% are from West Virginia, they say 'hold my beer and watch this!!'


 
Dear DragonlensmanWV,

For once it wasn't me picking on WV.

K12311997

Obxeyeguy

 :D:cheers::D:cheers::D:cheers::D
k12311997

----------


## DragonLensmanWV

> Dear DragonlensmanWV,
> 
> For once it wasn't me picking on WV.
> 
> K12311997
> 
> Obxeyeguy
> 
>  :D:cheers::D:cheers::D:cheers::D
> k12311997


Picking on us? What? Truth is truth.
I actually know someone who said very much the same thing before wiping out his Nova. No great loss, just a Nova.

Besides, OBX still can't count to 21 unless he's naked.:D

----------


## Spexvet

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her by minorities or illegal immigrants who are paid less than minimum wage. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. She pays her employees so little that she can afford to eat whatever she wants. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her - her medical insurance is paid for by her former employer, General Motors, and passed on to the consumer, or the taxpayers, when GM needs a bailout.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, minorities or illegal immigrants who are paid less than minimum wage clean it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She pays her employees so little that she can afford these accomodations. She is living like a queen, and has minorities or illegal immigrants who are paid less than minimum wage serve her. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day, pay high dollars for the products and services she sells, which she spends on herself, not the people who provide those services or produce the pose products - they are just minorities or illegal immigrants who are paid less than minimum wage. 


I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Cr#p, my dog is a Repubican..!!

----------


## Spexvet

> Picking on us? What? Truth is truth.
> I actually know someone who said very much the same thing before wiping out his Nova. No great loss, just a Nova.
> 
> Besides, OBX still can't count to 21 unless he's naked.:D


 And that includes his one tooth.

----------


## obxeyeguy

> I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Cr#p, my dog is a Repubican..!!


At least the republican dog works.;)

----------


## Bakerv

How does a chinese optician get to work?     In his Cadarac.....:drop:

----------


## Spexvet

> At least the republican dog works.;)


It's hard work living off the gubmint dole. :Rolleyes:

----------


## songrenle

sorry for my not having one, but i know somebody in China call the myopic people in reading "ga liang", it's a fun name or a bad statement, ones need the same culture background will understand it

----------


## rounded optician

patient was being examined during a lightning storm...

Dr: "which is better....one....or (boom thunder crack, lights out!) uh, two.."
patient: uh, can you show me one again??
Dr: I wish I could!!

----------


## eyemax2manoj

*A lady in mid 40's walked in my office one fine morning with a INTERESTING COMPLAIN : Your Optometrist is responsible to ruin My Happy Married Life !*
*How ? my receptionist asked .*
*she said " see ! i was happilly married for now 10 years ,my husband loved my always ,always paise my beauty ect ect ..but since your doctor gave him his NEW EYEGLASSES with his unknown new eyeglass prescription .......He Hates Me "*

----------


## DragonLensmanWV

> Dear DragonlensmanWV,
> 
> For once it wasn't me picking on WV.
> 
> K12311997
> 
> Obxeyeguy
> 
>  :D:cheers::D:cheers::D:cheers::D
> k12311997



How can you make fun of a state that has people like this in it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRxRh...exp_r2-2r-1-HM

----------


## Aaron N

> Does anybody have any good "optical jokes"?


This may not be a joke, but it's funny.

A customer came in with horrifically bent and broken glasses and said they were defective. She said "I woke up and they were on my night stand, I picked them up and they fell apart." After showing her the paint flaking where the metal is twisted like a screw, she maintained her story.

I said, "Well ma'am. It must have been the eyeglass gnomes. They sneak into your house and bash all glasses with their tiny optical hammers! It's all they can do after retiring from being gremlins on WWII air corps planes."

Conversation over.....

----------


## godin33

This actually happend........
Had a patient come in, about 85........
when the Doc brought him out after he was done his son (who drove him in) asked...."how did it go?"
"not good......Dr says my retina is attached to my a**hole......and THATS why I have a S*itty outlook on life"

Took me about a half our to compose myself!

True story

----------


## xrayspex

Thread over
Fezz wins

----------


## Fezz

> Thread over
> Fezz wins




Great!

I'll start the celebrations!!!

:cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers:

----------


## Mactire

Had a man in the store, annoying my female collegues and calling them *****es, so they send him away.

Later he came back, my collegues asked me to help him (read: get rid of him) But he did normal at that moment and wanted new glasses in his frame.

So we went to the examening room...

Het started reading the letters in a random order. At first I thought, that's funny. 
I mean, asking "what letters can you read" and then reading the letters is a random order. That's hilarious ^_^

But he kept on doing that and reading from right to left.
So I told him how it worked, read from left to right. Red OR green, etc.
So I sayd to him: "Your dyslectic or stupid, eighter way I can't take a good exam this way"
The guy: "I'm not dyslectic!"
I replied: "That's settled then!"
Awkward silence... The guy: "I'm  not stupid eighter!"
Me: "Ok, again from the beginning."

I ended up selling him two top of the notch glasses in his shabby frame.
But looking back at it I should just have send him away.

----------


## optical24/7

> Thread over
> Fezz wins


 
One question...........Did he win for his looks or something he wrote?








:bbg::cheers: :Eek: :cheers::shiner::cheers::bbg:

----------


## DragonLensmanWV

> Thread over
> Fezz wins



you have wrong thread.

----------


## varmint

you mean Fezz won & he wasn't even here?

----------


## bourdie1979

A woman is having lunch with her girlfriends, and their talking about her new beau.  She says "I've been seeing this Optometrist, but I don't think it's going to work out."  Her girlfriends say "Aweee" and "Whyyyyy?"  to which she replies...
"Everytime we have sex, he gets into two positions and askes "Which one is better?  1...........or 2....??"

----------

